Silver Lining

Unlocking my Heart for Him.

2008-08-24T20:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in a while. I thought it was time to share with those of you who read, what's been going on in my life and heart this summer. God has been moving in my heart this summer like never before. He has been teaching me so much about who He is and what He longs to do in my life. Starting the summer in Spain, was what I feel was God saying "Come away with me." He showed me things in my heart that had deep roots and issues that need to be placed at His feet. God has really shown me what it looks like to stop running from all of my problems, and to walk through fire with Him. He has been teaching me about the Trinity. That God is three in One. One in three. I should desire a relationship with the Holy Spirit just as much as Jesus and God. This summer has been one of God opening my heart to more of Him. I have been surprised at the levels of fear that are involved when it comes to letting the Holy Spirit move and trusting God and His love. I'm getting ready to start my last year of college. With lots of school debt and a passion for missions. I have no idea where God will take me. Right now I am simply trying to keep quiet enough to hear his soft direction.

Back in the real world. But not really participating...

2008-07-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

Well, as I said... I'm back in the real world. I would have to say that I'm not really participating in this thing called the real world. Mainly because I have my own house now, I'm paying rent, being an adult but sort of feel like I'm tricking everyone. Its not some evil plan. I've just had a really hard time finding a job. I guess when you come back from an adventure in Spain in the middle of the summer everyone already has been hired for their summer job. I am however, going to start stocking vending machines in the Simmons plants here in good Ol' Siloam. But its only part time. Meaning, from 8-10 at night. I may have walked through a plant with a hairnet on today. God loves to make me smile : )

But, I've been thinking. What makes your day really well spent? Is it making money? Paying the bills? Because I've never really been into that kind of thing anyways. So, I've decided to try my hardest to make money (which God is actually being the provider... like someone giving me money after barely hitting my car or a job working orientation where I'm given 900 dollars... things like that) but really I just have to live each day productively, but also... live each day a day at a time, and really for today. Not yesterday in Spain... or tomorrow hopefully in India. Why don't I just love my summer afternoons reading while I have the chance? Or taking pictures? Or getting to know God like He wants me to... or spend time applying for the mission board that I won't have the time to do during the school year. Do I have to feel guilty for not finding a job but God still providing? Is it okay to remain unstressed and relaxed in my favorite time of the year?

I think so.

Camera Shy

2008-06-05T00:59:00.000-07:00

Some Art...

2008-05-31T12:16:00.000-07:00

Nerja: the most beautiful place in the world (that I've seen)

2008-05-26T05:14:00.000-07:00

The first few pictures are actually of Malaga. Which is also very pretty. On Sunday Ali and I climbed a huge mountain (felt like it) to see out on top of the city. You can see the place they fight the bulls, the port, and the sea and mountains. Very pretty. The other picture is of Ali and me at the top. We also met a few cool American girls on our way back from Nerja on Saturday. Fe, Tess, and Poppy. Poppy is living here in Malaga and her friends were visiting. So Ali and I hung out with them after running into them twice in two days (we figured it was meant to be). Ali and I spent Saturday in a town east of Malaga. Nerja is beautiful! We laid out on the beaches and had a great weekend. Poppy is still here in Malaga so we are going to have dinner together this week. Fun stuff. : )

The picture of the girl making bracelets was a girl from England. I thought she was pretty cool. Some may think differently, but she was basically a hippy living in a van in Spain. She makes beautiful bracelets and sells them by the sea each day. We talked for awhile. She likes photography too :)

Anyways, I only have two weeks left. I'm sure it will go fast. It really has so far. Spain is beautiful. I find I enjoy it a lot more when I experience it with other people too. Pray that God will use me, and I can keep learning from Him and also work some too : )

Love and miss you guys!

The Sun and The Rain

2008-05-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

God is love.

God is beauty.

He is the sunrise and the sunset.

He is the butterfly and the eagle.

God is color.

God is laughter.

He is knowledge.

He is all-knowing.

New and old.

Strong and gentle.

God touches my face.

God holds the earth with the same hands.

He is the artist.

He is the musician.

Everywhere and walking with me.

No birthday and no end.

God is love.

God is beauty.

Just A Few

2008-05-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

Every Soul Is Still A Soul

2008-05-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel like all the things I've been reading and thinking about are all kind of linked together. The thing is, they are different ideas and topics, but I think God is showing me that it all has to do with really knowing and following him.

Last night I was thinking about how I naturally react to people. If I'm walking down the street and see a trendy girl, holding her starbucks... 9 times out of 10 I'll probably smile. When I pass a homeless man, I won't look at him. I started to think about why this was. I think the first natural reason is that the familiar is more comfortable. And the homeless man, well if I look, and then maybe even smile...he might want money. So... basically I'm saying that when it comes to people, I'll approve of you if you meet my standards. If you dress up to date and share my passion for overpriced coffee, you deserve a warm smile. But... if you are needy and wanting some of my money...that I can't really spare... you aren't good enough for a smile or even a look.

And then I thought, what if I did look? And smile? And he did ask for money? What if for once I gave my 2 Euros or 5 dollars... what if I skipped out on that cup of coffee or on sale item? But I don't. Because I've convinced myself that I will always spend the money that God has given me more wisely then someone who is living on the streets.

I've been finishing the book "Blue Like Jazz" and reading his thoughts on money. And then I was watching Hillsong United's preview for their documentary. There are 2 billion children in the world. 1 billion live in extreme poverty.

And I have plenty to eat. Plenty to wear. Plenty. Always.

So, I guess this means two main things. One, most of the time, the world is all about me. I decide who is worthy and who isn't. And two, most of my validation comes solely from materialism. What if I was to not buy clothing for a year? I mean nothing. I would be fine. Right now, I can't think of one thing I really need. But, as time goes on...my jeans won't be the right look anymore. And the bags will need to be different. And I won't have the right shoes. And all of the sudden, practicality is in direct proportion with style and being affirmed by what I look like.

Does it really matter that Children in Africa need clothes to go to school? I mean, nothing I have looks anything like Urban Outfitters this season...

Every Soul is a Soul.

Each person deserves the same as me.

Life isn't fair.

I some how ended up on the good end. But I had no say in that. But I do have a say in what I do with what I am given.

I know... another post?? Well, I have time, alright?

2008-05-13T12:53:00.000-07:00

Ok. So, I write things and then afterwords I think of all these little things I want to say. So, I might do a list...

Today equals...

*The sweetest Southern Lady walked a couple miles to the store with me, explaining the Spanish things, and giving me my first cooking lesson! She even gave me a few tips on how to please my husband in more ways than one. Really.

*I didn't think I had blinds. And I don't. I have garage doors that slide over my windows as I pull a rope on the side. Really.

*Turns out, Spanish people love Olives. I think I do too.

*I like this meat called Chorizo. Its like a pepperoni. It makes my whole house smell like that when I open the fridge.

*I didn't shower today. I thought I was out of hot water. But actually, I unplugged the electrical/gas water heater instead of the toaster.

*I love the mornings in Spain. Weird for me huh?

*My windows are open 24/7. And its perfect.

*Every now and then when the wind blows, I smell Spain. It must be a flower mixed with an earthy smell. And I swear, I smell Spain on me too sometimes.

*I also read this thing today about how when people who are alone too much go crazy. I think I'm community often enough... hopefully : )

I overheard one of the missionaries say today that God doesn't bring you somewhere or through something that he won't use later.

Its all for a reason, and that's comforting to know... especially when things seem uncertain at times. He knows.

*I think if I do missions after college I want to work with Children. Its what makes me smile, and gives me energy.

Thats all of what I've been meaning to say.

p.s. Chocolate and Churros is a must. Just google it.

Work and making friends.

2008-05-12T13:17:00.003-07:00

I started my first day of "official" work. Not really much different than last Friday except I wasn't jet-lagged. I guess mostly what I will be doing is documenting a lot of what is going on in the Media Center here in Spain. I will be documenting projects that are going on and also help with a brochure for some of the ministries Avant offers. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be that busy during the day. I have to realize though that this is not your average 8-5 job. First of all, its prayer at 9:15, work not really starting until probably 10, and then of course breaking for Siesta from 2-4. Then working until about 7. Yeah, its a little bit different from the States.

I think today at times I was really thinking I was bored. I sometimes just need to be working on something to really keep me interested. But I think God has been showing me these past few days that this internship is a lot more than just taking pictures. I have been using my Polaroid though... I took the picture above today as an idea for a project.

I think I am really learning to be independent, to be content, and to reach out and ask for help. One of the women here at the center told me today that she would take me to the store and help me find what I needed and help me learn to cook for myself. It may sound ridiculous... I'm going to be 22 this summer... but at the same time, I've never lived alone... much less in Spain. I tend to get overwhelmed when I go in the store and can't read anything. I look at pictures, but I can't ask anyone for help. And so, I leave with things to make sandwiches. I'm not too worried about cooking a gourmet meal. But when I was offered help today, I thought why not learn to shop and cook in Spain?

I've also just been bold today about taking people up on their offers to join them for meals. I'm the only single one here, and it was good to admit to one of the girls working here today that I am a people person and don't like being alone for 5-6 hours at night before I go to bed. She and her husband had me over for dinner. While she gave me tips for cooking and what she likes to buy in Spain. We listened to Spanish music and they also gave me a beginners spanish book : )

So, just an update. Things are better than they were yesterday. And it is still difficult at times, but with friends everything can be better (Cheesy but true). I've just been praying that God will show me what he has for me after I graduate and that my emotions at the time wouldn't be the factor in what I want for the future. And one point today I actually thought, "Maybe I'll just get married, have babies, and live in America." And maybe I will. I mean, I'd love to... and there is nothing wrong with that dream, but I think deep down I know that's not the dream God has given me. As Amy Carmichael has once said, I must simply keep trusting in Him to fulfill the desires he's created.

Well, I'm here.

2008-05-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to write a short post telling everyone that I have made it to Malaga Spain safely. Things have went well this first day. I tried to stay awake besides the three hour nap that kind of happened accidently. Now, its almost nine and I'm trying to find something to do in order to keep myself up as long as I can. No one likes waking up in the middle of the night...

I have a cute little apartment of my own here in Malaga. These are a few pictures of the place and a couple pictures that show my view outside my window. I feel a little alone right now. Everyone is married and have their own houses. I can see the missionary couple's apartment that are kind of looking out for me. Its probably a five minute walk and across the highway. Already though, there is this feeling of, "Oh, yeah I am the only single one." I think it should be good. I really do want God to teach me to be independent (but safe, don't worry mom) in other cultures with Jesus as my protector. I think its easy to say I want to be married and try to use my husband as the protector and provider and comforter. I mean, I'm sure he will do those things one day. But I think its good for me to see that God can also be that. And actually, he will do a far better job than any man.

Ok, tomorrow I start orientation. So far, you guessed it. I love Spain. I just like the smell. Its this weird mix of earth, flowers, dirt, and then city. I love it. The houses are beautiful. I like the sounds of the school children outside my window and the motorcycles. Kind of like India : ) I don't think there is as much honking though.

Thanks guys. I'd love your prayers and comments!

Living for him, instead of me...

2008-04-13T06:55:00.001-07:00

Malaga, Spain

This semester has been an interesting one. It's been full of pressure to succeed and not really knowing what God wants or has for me.

Things have been even more busy this semester, maybe compared to my more laid back semester in Ireland. All I know if that my classes take up a lot of my time, and I feel that this semester my work has been criticized more than ever, and the feeling of not quite measuring up is very real. I've felt that I've made more mistakes this semester than ever before... but God hasn't left. He is still very real and working in my life.

I had plans to maybe go to Dallas this summer and work for Gospel for Asia. I worked hard to get all of my papers in, to have my portfolio of work done in Ireland printed, to have an interview... all to learn that they only had one intern spot, which was full.

Everything was falling through and kept falling through.

But God has continued to surprise me.

I wasn't planning on leaving the country again. But for some reason, my logical plans fell through, and God's sending me to Spain. He keeps opening the doors to something I figured was too far out of my reach. He is teaching me that his plans are not always mine, they don't always seem the most practical, and that in the end He's the one in control. He only asks for my trust and patience. God wants me to live more for Him each day and less for myself. When I can learn to do this... that's when I see his plan and his desires becoming mine.

All that to say, after a stressful semester... I'm off to Malaga, Spain in 24 days to take pictures and help with Graphic Design for a mission board. One step closer to what I want to do with my life...

Travel the world and take pictures.

Holiday At Sea

2008-02-02T16:17:00.000-08:00

Is it C.S. Lewis that talks about the child playing in the mud who is so upset when her parents want to take her from the mud to a holiday at sea? I am so often that child- covered in mud and content in my filth and not wanting to be taken away from it. I many times may realize the fact that I could be settling- but then again if I understood the greatness of a holiday at sea, compared to the mud, I would surely leave the mud. But so often I stay playing in the mud-settling for sin and the short term fun it brings. I ignore my father who is wanting me to simply reach up my arms- so he can pick me up to take me to the sea. He has the desires of my heart. He knows how I'll love the sea. He knows the sand is better for castles, that the waves are powerful and beautiful, that the sun is bright and that the birds will be chirping. I'm muddy and dirty. I'm happy in my sin and fallenness. I settle in one, two, three areas of my life- and slowly I have settled for a life in the mud, refusing to lift up my arms and be taken to a holiday at sea.

Cee, You and Tea

2008-01-18T22:12:00.000-08:00

Well... I'm in love with the Atonement soundtrack.

I hear the dramatic music still playing in my head when I'm not even listening to it. I guess it helps me feel like my life is more interesting than it actually is...hearing the intense instrumental music playing as I listen to teachers talk about who knows what...

I live in Arkansas now.

I like change. Its when things stops changing and I begin to sit when everything is not so clear. I've been home for like a month and a half. In away, its like I never left.

weird.

Maybe it will hit me all in one great moment. I'll probably be sitting in class and it will hit me. I've been gone. And now I'm back. Or...maybe I'll just keep going. I love seeing everyone at JBU. So far its been great. I don't miss the very small town of Dundrum, mostly Belfast is what I miss. And being able to travel.

I've decided I know exactly what I want to do and at the same time have never felt like my life could be more up in the air. Who knows where I will be getting ready to go this time next year.

I love taking pictures. I love other cultures. I love kids. I love India. I love everything I've seen so far outside America.

I tend to be an idealist.

I don't know what that means for the future.

I love hanging out with the kids from the Faroe Islands. I have always loved hanging out with them. Today I ate lunch with five girls from the Faroes. For some reason, I like being the minority.

Nothing too profound. Just a update. Everyone buy the Atonement soundtrack. Its beautiful. It won a Golden Globe for best score. Do it.

Dizzy Cigarettes and Tightlipped Kisses

2007-12-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

While I was studying in Northern Ireland we studied an Irish poet called Michael Longley. His poetry was quite moving and devastating at the same time. He wrote about the Troubles in Northern Ireland and the Holocaust. He was able to capture beauty and inspiration in the death and hopelessness of desperate times.

I liked several of his poems. I thought one poem in the front of his collected poetry was beautiful in his choice of words and the imagery he painted so simply.

No Continuing City

First dizzy cigarettes,

Tightlipped Kisses,

Friendships, Flying visits,

Birthday, best wishes-

My children and my dead

Coming of age

In the turn of your head

As you turn a page.

-Michael Longley

My Irish Literature class was lucky enough to have met Mr. Longley. He was very inspiring in his lecture. He did say one thing that made me think. He stated,

"There won't be any art in heaven- if there is such a place-because art comes from some disturbance..."

Well, I think most of the class thought differently. Trying to figure out a way to candy coat what he had said. But as I sat there, I began to think maybe he was right. What we know now in the world of art...there does seem to be a disturbance or longing for a beauty that we do not have. Many times art is a mixture of fallenness and redemption. Or the old and new. The overexposed and underexposed. The vintage and classic. The bittersweet taste of things ending much differently than you thought they would. So... if there is a heaven, and every thing's perfect where is art? I completely understand Longley's point. But then again, there seems to be perfection in a butterfly or flower... they seem perfect, but creation is fallen...and love means the most when it isn't deserved... The cross blossoms in the midst of undeserving selfish people.

But then again...

Maybe art is an expression and cry of who we are, who we've been, who we want to be. Art is us being here, trapped in our own humanity reaching out beyond ourselves. Maybe the art we know now, won't be in heaven. But there will be an art that we nothing about. An art that can not be anymore explained then what it will really mean to live where "mercy and truth have kissed each other."

Back in America, just in time for the Christmas Craze...

2007-12-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been back in the states for a week. I haven't taken any cash out yet. Maybe its out of protest, since I haven't held a dollar in over three months... I am slowly taking steps back into reality. I took the extra pounds and pence out of my purse... slowly chewing the rest of the gum purchased at Vivo in Dundrum...

It sort of seems like the last three and half months have been a dream... I mean, that was my life. I lived in Europe. Got use to my life there. And then. I come home. Things are pretty much just the way I left them, the only change being the huge ice storm that makes me think I might have flown into Iceland or something. Most people ask a couple questions, "How was it?" or "Did you have fun?" and even an occasional, "You look a little Irish..." But, I can only say so much, and then I feel its getting old when I begin to say things about my travels...but it was in a way different from a trip or holiday. I lived there.

But...I did get back into America just in time. Just in time to remember how crazy Americans can get about a holiday that really no longer has much meaning. I mean, not to sound very critical...but the irony of the church and the holiday season may have a hit me a little hard this season. I came into my church that I grew up in, and was greeted by a probably 50 foot, fully lit Christmas tree. And...If I can explain it, our Choir stands in the fake tree. And they sing. About Christmas. Now don't get me wrong, the music is beautiful. It really is pretty and fills you with holiday cheer. There were Elves running, children laughing, presents, the 12 days of Christmas song by the church body, and a skit about the true meaning of Christmas.

After a semester abroad, attending more conservative and traditional churches, the radical Baptist Christmas celebration (or maybe whovillefest?) was a tad bit of a shock. The tree was purchased a few years back, but I've been at school in the past and this was my first time seeing it.

I just felt that maybe spending thousands of dollars on a tree and then having a skit about the true meaning of Christmas in front of the tree was a bit ironic. Hypocritical? Maybe.

This Sunday I went back to Church, to hear our new pastor preach. And he was reading out of Isaiah 53. Talking about who Christ was and why he had to come. He talked about the sacrifice and humility Christ had. How he traded power for infancy, majesty for poverty, beauty for homeliness, and worship for rejection. Christ came down to us, to lift us out of our sin and brokenness. C.S. Lewis talks in his book Miracles about the incarnation of Christ and how it is wrapped around us in our humanity. (more on that later)

But anyways...not to rag on my church. I love my church and the people there. But I have just been getting tired of hearing the same of old things from the Evangelical circle. I don't understand everything or even very much about the incarnation of Christ. But I do think it was more of an explosion of love than a huge singing Christmas tree. I feel like all the energy that was released when such a huge and perfect Christ became such a small and humble man can be found in the unmeasurable amounts of love seen in his life and the cross.

Last week Bek and I picked a girl up that was walking on the side of the road. With no coat. In the middle of an ice storm.

I've never done this before.

We gave her a coat, and took her about 5-10 miles down town. I think she had already walked that amount before we picked her up. Her family didn't have any electricity due to the ice storm, so she was walking to her boyfriend's house. Her name was Debbie. Part of me wonders how comfortable Debbie would be watching our Christmas program. Maybe its more about us going out than trying to sell the Gospel and lure people in.

Not that I can say I practice this... I don't walk a lot of my talk. But I'm just thinking.

It's Best to Start Small

2007-08-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

I've been reading in Matthew for the past couple weeks. This last week God has been teaching me more about what it means to be the person I want to be as a "missionary." Not just a missionary in India or across the world but here, right now. I tend to get overwhelmed with this subject. Sometimes I get so excited about the rest of the world and seeing it and it's people, that I forget that right here in America is my mission field.

And so why am I writing this three days before I go to live in Ireland for a semester? I think God is showing me that He just wants small steps. Sometimes I feel like it has to be like India where everyone has to say they've never heard of their Savior's name and they want to ask him into their lives. But Jesus is saying in Matthew that even though its a huge job, a huge decision to live for Him and to give our lives, that he still knows we're human.

Jesus says to start with those around us. Our neighbors. Touch the untouchables here, not just in India. He says to be gentle in our conversation to those that are welcoming. And to move on when others don't welcome us. Jesus doesn't expect or even want us to beat people over the head with the Bible and say the sinners prayer with everyone we talk to.

Jesus wants us to join his team. He wants to be stood up for. Then, he will stand up for us infront of his father. He wants us with him through thick and thin. We don't deserve him. But once we forget ourselves, we find what we are looking for. We find both Jesus and who we truely are.

Jesus says its best to start small. After surrendering each day to him, follow him through the day and let him use you when the chance is there. I think its about walking with him, honoring him, being sensitive to his spirirt, and then taking those small steps of love towards others.

Love is the way to people's hearts. Love is what Jesus is about. Love is what should be seen in our lives. Love is what should be wrapped in and out of our conversations with others.

That's what Jesus wants.

God Colors

2007-08-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

Jesus told use to be the light of the world.

"Here's another way to put it: You're to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world."

What does it mean to bring out the God colors in the world? Light is how we see color. Light is what gives depth, and height, and light is absorbed and colors are reflected. Without light, there is nothing. There is darkness.

As the light, we are to be like Jesus. We must share the truth. We must be the truth. The darkness should fade as we shine the love of Christ to others. The darkness should fade as we obey Christ each day and are made righteous through him. The darkness should fade when we proclaim His truth and do not settle for less.

When we as God's people, find ourselves in the dark, we must go back to the cross. Go back to the ultimate light-bearer. To be light we must also take up our cross as Christ did. Being light means sacrifice. It means choosing Christ over our self. It means doing what's God's desire is rather than our selfish and many times sinful desires may be.

As we sacrifice more and more, as we do His will over ours, as we become righteous through His beautiful transformation, our light becomes brighter. And the God colors, they are rich and beautiful. As the darkness fades, we see shapes and colors that were once hidden in darkness. With His right amount of light, the world's beauty is exposed.

Beauty Comes From a Broken Surrender

2007-07-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

Broken, Shattered.

I lay crumbled, sharp glass,

Upon the cold tile floor.

Unrecoginized, nothing.

Can make me,

What I was.

He stands there,

Yelling-I will never,

Be anything.

His words seem to break,

My shattered pieces,

Smaller, into nothing.

He says I'm nothing.

Never, will I be whole.

Nothing.

Then the potter comes,

He picks up the pieces.

His hands strong.

Pain is present in both.

As my brokeness cuts,

Him.

His love and blood,

Are strong-I'm

Something.

He molds.

He puts together.

I am new.

I am what I once,

Was not.

I am his creaton.

The enemy lies.

He says-I'm too broken.

Nothing.

The potter says,

"Broken"

That's how I use you.

He made the ocean for me

2007-06-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

I think God made the ocean for me. He romaces me with the beauty of every time I go to the beach. Sure, it's more new to me than to others since I'm from Missouri...but the fact is, I love the ocean. I think the ocean reminds me a lot of God. I think you can always see part of the creator in his creation. God is powerful like the ocean, and always surprising me with His every changing glory. The ocean holds life, just like God. The ocean is beautiful and is always different while staying the same as it always has been. The ocean resembles it's creator.

Walk by Faith

Live by Faith

Surrender to me daily.

This is what God has been telling me lately. Each morning I must trust him and surrender my plans and trust that his are best.

"It's the word of faith that welcomes God to go to work and set things right for us. This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God- 'Jesus is my Master'-embracing body and soul, God's work of doing in us what he did in raising Jesus from the dead. That's it. You're not 'doing' anything; you're simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That's salvation. With your whole being you embrace God setting things right, and then you say it, right out loud 'God has set everything right between him and me!'"

Maybe I'll be a Nomad...or a Gypsy.

2007-05-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

So, tonight is my first night back at home... it has been relaxing so far. I am sitting on my bed listening to the rain hit the ground. I love the summer air coming in through a window that can actually be opened (compared to the dorm rooms). Its good to be home. I was thinking as I packed up my room at school and at home tonight how it would be kind of fun to sell most of what I have. I am currently reading a book called Tales of a Female Nomad. I'm in love with it. Or atleast the idea. This women sells everything and the rest of her belongings fit in a backpack. She travels the world and meets amazing people...sees amazing things. She gets to see so much more of God and I don't think this lady even knows him. I think it would be wonderful to do this. To just travel and live by the moment. Swim in rivers with people who don't speak english, ride a moped with a complete stranger, drink a cup of coffee with a little old local Italian man. This seems to be the life. Full of adventure and freedom. Maybe after JBU I can do this... some how wait on paying those loans (see reality is making my dream not near as beautiful). In this book, the author says something pretty cool.

"Once I leave the U.S. I am not bound by the rules of my culture. And when I am a foreigner in another country, I am exempt from the local rules. This extraordinary situation means that there are no rules in my life."

Sure, there are rules that one needs to have in life. But part of me wants to think that once you love God, and then love others, all you need is that and the world God's given you to explore...

I think I hear Summer

2007-04-26T18:52:00.000-07:00

So...the last few weeks have been so crazy. School has kept me busy and there are all the other last minute things. Like remembering that I am an RA and not only do I have to move myself out but my entire hall. And then the stress gets more and more intense. There are hours and somtimes even a day when I catch my breath and then it comes again... Of course I always seem to have more time for everything and anything else but God. My struggles come when I try to do things on my own, and I know I need Him. But not only is Jesus here. He wants me to delight in the things he has given me daily. God is beautiful and deserves to be praised even when I am stressed. How I praise and worship should not depend on me. God is God and deserves praise all the time.

Even though there is stress, I can't help but smile when I think about how much Jesus does love me and how well he knows his children. He knows we are people that get tired and need rest. He even gives us college students a few months off. I was and still am disappointed that India is not an option this summer. My heart still aches for the country. For the people, to walk down commerece street in Bangalore, wearing my punjabi, bightly colored bangals, the smell of the material my scarf is made out of thats hanging off my shoulders. Seeing the beautiful brown people, and hearing "You like? 45 Rupees." as they nod their heads from side to side. I would love to hear the horns beeping like crazy and see the Indian women smile as I walk along the shops of beautiful clothing and wood carvings.

Instead...Flordia. I wonder if I could be anywhere opposite. But then again...God will still amaze me with his beauty. I get to spend a summer living right next to one of my favorite things! The ocean! I get to run along the waves and eat icecream. I get live with my best friend and stay with amazing people. New friends are coming along with rosy checks and hopefully a new and amazing surf girl... haha. Anways, summer has always been my favorite. God is good and knows what he is doing. I just have to do the one thing I'm bad at. I must trust. I have to trust that just as God is good now, he will still be good and just this summer...and next semester in Ireland...and Forever. He deserves my constant praise. Jesus, help me do this. Help me to stay close to your heart and put my passion in you! Let me overflow with a love and energy for you!!!

Your Peace Is Overwelming

2007-04-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life. They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in his hands for cheap figurines you can buy at any roadside stand.

This isn't me is it? I love God... but some how this is me. At times I don't feel like worshiping God. I'm too tired to have my quiet time, and too tired to go to church. And then they come, I step out of God and His grace... I walk down the street and without him I decide to purchase the idols of my heart. I decide that my own flesh and desires, that Satan is trying to bargin me with...are better than really seeking the one who loves me. Who loves me the same know matter how much good or bad I do. I leave the God who has and will always love me. all of me. and He will never hurt me.

Jesus,

Help me to stay close to your heart. Let me love you and live in your grace, rather than the lies of the world. Let me be aware that this is a battle that occurs daily. Give me strength to look to you. Thank you for encouraging me with friends and family that love you. Show me your will for my life. Let me seek your face God. I want to experience more of you and your beauty. I love you. Let me rest in you and your peace.

My Family

2007-04-03T17:41:00.000-07:00

My family. Family is something that you can't replace. Family is something that God brings into our lives that we don't get to pick. But the thing is families are made to honor and glorify God. I love my family and how God has put them in my life. Family is not always easy and not always fun... but family is and always has been family. We are called to love one another as God has loved us. Even though it may be hard we must constantly deny ourselves for the ones closest to us. It is easy to be selfish with those closest to us, but it should be the opposite. We should constantly be denying ourselves to show love to our brother, or sister, mother, father, or step-sister, or step-mom.

I love my family. No one else has a family like mine. My dad makes me laugh so much and has a big heart that if you get close enough, you can see it in his eyes. My mom is caring and would die for her children and loves to help those in need. My sister makes things funny all the time, she loves to help those like my mom and tells jokes like our dad. My brother is becoming a man of God, he is one of the sweetest boys I know. My step-mom is the cutest thing ever. She loves with all of her heart and cares for her girls like no one else I know. My sister Mary, she is beautiful and has been my best friend for a long time and desires to honor God with her life. Nic, well she is the wise and older sister who loves Jesus so much you can see it in her face. Jenny has been someone to look up to and her laugh is contageous. And Rebekah? She has been involved in so many parts of my life. Cousin, friend, roomate, and so much more... Even when we are apart so much, the times we are together are always better than ever.

Who else has a family like me? No one. Sometimes things can get bad but that is exactly what Satan wants, he doesn't want any glory to go to God. Jesus knows all things and wants us to constantly go to him when this "Family thing" gets too hard.

Jesus gave me this verse this morning and I knew it was my verse for my family.

Colossians 3:12-14

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

God makes families to show His people more of His love.

Questions

2007-03-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
be with the people of passion.
I long to live among the purples
and pinks of Indian spirit.

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
serve you in the way I desire to?
To sing praises to you in Tamil
and hold Jansi's and Shoba's hands?

Why can't I?
Why Lord, can't I
take in all the Indian babies,
and call them my own?
And instead... live here?

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
go barefoot in my punjabi
and eat with my fingers?
Do you hear my questions?

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
hear your voice?
or see your face?
Why, Lord, cant I?

You answer.
and I can't hear-
all I know,
is Walk by Faith.

Seeing more of His face

2007-03-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

This spring break I was lucky enough to get to go to Florida for the first time in my life. It was so good to just have a break from life. My best friends and I went and stayed with a little family on Amelia Island. I was refreshed by the waves hitting my feet, hot coffee and cinnamon rolls, and enough laughs to make my stomach hurt.

Funny thing is, as much as the beauty of Island warmed my heart, the people we were able to stay with warmed my soul (cheesy I know). But really...Lauren and I were saying how beautiful God and His people are. There are so many beautiful believers around the world that I have yet to meet! And this last week... I met some pretty cool ones. These people are the ones that make you want to strive harder to walk by faith, to live a life pleasing to our Father. I have come back from Florida with a tan but also with a desire to seek Jesus and love Him with all of my heart. Thank you Jesus, for your people and for the body. You know my heart and my soul. Thank you for refreshing me in the way I needed to be. Let me love you first and with all my heart. Let me seek and follow you even when I may not hear your voice. Continue to mold me Jesus, mold me and teach me your wisdom. Let me have the faith to ask for your wisdom and believe that you will give it to me. Break me, teach me, mold me. Mold me Lord into your beautiful servant. Let me have authentic beauty that brings others closer to you. Break me, teach me, mold me, use me. Jesus, use me through out the earth. Let me be your light and an example of your love. Let me wake up each morning and hold your hand throughout the day. You are number one, Jesus. You have always been here and always will be. My life is short and meaningless. You, Jesus are the lover of soul and can turn my messed heart and mind to a beautiful one that desires to serve you and not the world. This is my prayer Jesus. You know me. Let me Experience YOU!

Let me Love you more Lord

2007-02-17T18:43:00.000-08:00

The More I Seek You

The more I seek You

The more I find You

The more I love You
I wanna sit at Your feet

Drink from the cup in Your hand

Lay back against You and breathe

Feel Your heartbeat

This love is so deep

It’s more than I can stand

I melt in Your peace

It’s overwhelming

As I give more of my heart the call becomes greater

2007-01-24T08:54:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks have been so packed full of me surrendering my dreams and God give them back to me even bigger. I really have such a little idea to what He is calling me to do and what His plans are. All I know is that the more I give this dream of going and working with the people of India to Him, the stronger the pull is upon my heart. At times my heart will hurt due to me missing the beautiful country and the people there. Lately, my heart has been aching as it is pulled. Pulled by God. Each day I feel more and more that God is calling me to live a life that is way out of my comfort zone. That is exciting. It is also really scary. It is hard to tell people, mostly friends and family that I may be living in another country for the rest of my life. do I know that for sure? no. Do I know India for sure? no. Do I know who I will go with? no. Do I know what is going to happen? no.

no.no.no.no. thats the answer. But then when Jesus asks me like He did to Peter, "Do you love me?" yes. "Will you follow me?" yes. "Will you die for me?" yes.

Jesus is the love of my life and He is crazy jealous for me. I most make sure that He is the one and only love of my life. And when I answer "yes" to those questions, that means yes in India and yes in Arkansas, even if my heart is being pulled in another direction. All I know is that it must all be given to God...and Jesus is pretty crazy. Who knows what He has for me.

The Love of My Life

2007-01-21T17:43:00.000-08:00

The work that I desire to do in India is for God. But the more I have been thinking about India this week, the more God has been working in my heart to teach me what that really means. As I read through the book, "The Wild-Bird Child," about the life of Amy Carmichael, my heart longs to have a life like hers. But then again, can I even begin to understand the amount of strength she had in the Lord to do what she did? God has been showing me so much. I have begun to understand why God might give me the trials He does. Of course, it is easier to say such a thing when you aren't in the middle of one. But I do believe with all my heart that God allows all things in my life for a reason. God is growing and teaching me for His glory. And for the time being, I believe He has called me to do His work in India when I graduate from JBU. Maybe that will change, but right now I cannot remove that call from my heart. I know that God works in and through me daily, and that His "plan" doesn't mean one part of my life. But I cannot tell my heart to stop hoping and anticipating that God will choose to use me in India. There is always the chance of God using this love for something different and greater, but for the time being the desire to serve God in India is like nothing I have ever felt before. Sometimes, I miss India so much that it would be hard to believe I have only spent three weeks of my life there. Each and every day I have to remind myself that going to college first is God's plan for me and that it is in HIS TIME. I must be careful to make sure I am asking God to use me in His plan, rather than inviting Him into mine. Through tears and prayers the other night I asked myself, "Do I love serving God or serving God in India more?" I think that at times I can become so wrapped up in the idea of serving that I forget to serve, and to really love the one I serve. I know deep done, that if it was not in God's plan for me to serve in India, as sad as that would be to me now, I wouldn't do it. I love Jesus with all my heart, and I would serve Him somewhere else if that is what He called me to do. And maybe that is all He is asking, for me to simply put Him first, as the love of my life. His plans are beautiful and great. God is a big God who gave me a love for India and has my best interests at heart. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with excitement and fear when wondering how God will use me. All I know, is that the people in history who have chosen to follow Christ with all their heart and soul, thinking only of that which is eternal, have made huge impacts for Christ, whether anyone knows it at the time or not. I want to be broken, to be humbled, to be used. Some might say that I am too much of a dreamer and that doing this "sort of thing," like spending my life in India, is a lot harder than I think. I never said I thought it would be easy. But I know God never calls His people to things they cannot do without His strength. Some might worry about my strong desire to serve, and currently being a single woman, but the last time I checked, my God was stronger than any man. This does not mean that I won't serve with other believers, but my God loves and cares for me more than any human ever could. My Jesus is the love of my life, who will always keep me within His arms and will follow me to the darkest corner of the world. The way I look at it, I have nothing to worry about. As long as I am in love with Jesus, His grace will be enough.

In Your Timing

2007-01-16T21:04:00.000-08:00

So, due to the health of our team leader, our trip to India next summer has been cancled. I am so thankful that Ron is getting better and that God has kept him safe. I am still disappointed that it looks like I might not being going back to India as soon as I thought. God has given me so much more of a peace about this than I had. I know God will only send me in His time and when I am ready.

I keep thinking about India daily, and I pray that God will bring me back to live in the culture that I love so much. Maybe more things will open up for me being able to go and maybe they won't. I have to learn to trust God in ALL things and know that His plan is so much better than mine. For now, I will have to wear my Indian clothes here in America and get funny looks, nod my head from side to side alone, and pray with all my heart each and every day for the country I love. In your time Lord, in your time....

Break for Christmas Fun

2006-12-15T19:32:00.000-08:00

Well, tonight I am almost halfway home for the break. My friend Billy brought Austin and I to Joplin to my best friend Lauren's house. Austin and I are hanging out here until Rebekah gets here tonight, and then we will leave and be home tomorrow : )
As I think about the last semester it seems to have went by really fast but so much has happened at the same time. Being an RA has been such a growing experience, and I am looking forward to the break to process everything that has happened and the things that God has taught me and is still using to mold me.
I think that after a few weeks away from being an RA and being able to rest a little I will be able to say more of what I have really learned. I have been praying that over this break not only would I have a good holiday with my family but that my passion would be renewed for God. I desire to know more of who Jesus is and love Him with more of my heart each day. I pray that God would continue to open doors for me to go back to India, and that He would also help me serve the girls on my hall and be content in a place that my heart really isn't in. Well, God knows a lot more than me...and hopefully, each day I will get a little smarter. As for now, I will have some Christmas fun. : )

Vogue X2

2006-11-16T21:53:00.000-08:00

Best Friends + College + Crazy Vogue Fashion = A really good time

2006-11-16T21:40:00.000-08:00

Can We Just Lay Here?

2006-11-15T21:32:00.000-08:00

Snow Patrol
Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Hmmm.....

I realized tonight that this blog could be a lot more public than I think. No one has a blog spot. So that means no one comments. I wonder how many people read what I write.... Oh well, I guess I can just write more on the surface. Save the juicy stuff for later...

So, I really like the song above. I currently have it on repeat. And by the way. My dad is getting married. No comment.

I dont really even know what to say. I guess when you get in the habit of thinking about others reading what you are writing later, it is hard to do the writing.

I dont really know if I want to be an RA anymore.

I think everyone thinks it is easy and they dont get why that would be the case.

I get to live in Ireland fall of 2007.

I want to see the whole world.

Do I let everyone down?

Does anyone really know me?

Besides Lauren and Ellen?

How do I tell people what I feel, without thinking that the world will fall apart when the words come out of my mouth?

I love India.

I dont want to do school anymore this semester.

I love my family.

How long can I spend with them?

Right now,

I feel like laying in the middle of quad, right where the light pole is. It would be warm outside. But dark. Night. The light pole would be on. I would be laying on my back. It would be pouring down rain. And I would lay there. And open my hands and eyes and watch the huge drops of rain pour all over me.

I feel so..... unable to explain how I feel. And that is frusterating.

Lets go sit on the quad...in Ireland :)

2006-10-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday I got the good news of finding out that my application was accepted to study for a semester in Ireland for the fall of 2007. I am so excited! I also get to take an independent photography class while I am there. At first I had my heart set on studying in Uganda. I told God to open and close doors. The doors seemed much more open to Ireland. God put a peace in my heart and let me know that although I might desire to live in Africa, now wasn't the time. So, I applied to study in Ireland with a team from JBU. Well, I didn't hear anything for awhile...I began to think maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have applied for both. But...God is good and I am not as patient as He would like me to be. I am so happy to see that God really does have the desires of my heart. He is the one who put the love for adventure and new cultures in my heart. As I seem to be in a time in my life where God says, " Rest in me, and listen to my voice" I have come to see that God is still working and loving me. His love is the same each and every day. I change, He doesn't. His love is the same when I find out He has given me an opportunity to live across the Ocean, and when I can barely hear His voice.

Warm hands on a cold heart

2006-10-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl who some would say, was made of spirit and laughter... and most of the time, they were right. But sometimes, the giggles would stop and she couldn't find her spirit. Jessa, was the spiritless girl with rosy checks. Many times, Jessa didn't know where her spirit would go. One moment there seemed to be happyness forever. And then, it would seem like all of the things that made her heart passionate would dissappear at once. It was like they forgot to come out after playing hide and seek. And sometimes, her heart would begin to feel kind of cold and numb, like her checks did after she would play outside too long in the winter. Jessa was happy. Jessa loved life. But sometimes, the passion would leave. It always came back, but each time it was gone again...Jessa wondered if this time was the time it was gone for good.

*The other day, when having a good conversation with a good friend about feeling a little passionless...I was asked, "When have you felt like you were the most intimate with Jesus?"
I knew right away.

Sitting in the pew at church I tried to keep breathing even though my heart felt like it might stop at any point. The pain in my stomach made me glad that I hadn't eaten anything before. Before the funeral. Before I began to realize that I hated God. I hated him because he left me again. He left me to live a life I no longer wanted to live. Why is it that it is always everyone else that gets to go? Why couldn't I go?? I hated him. I hated him because my heart hurt worse than it ever had before. And no one was helping me. I hated him because he loved me through everything. He loved me even when I hated him. He loved me when I blammed him. He loved me and cried with me in the church that smelled like flowers and perfume. God sat beside me, while I wore all black once again. He stode beside me as I looked down into the casket and said goodbye to another friend. That day, as I sat telling God that I hate him, I realized how much he loved me. How far his love could go. How his love can flow deeper than my deepest hurts.

I felt the most intimate when I was completely weak and broken. As I continue to be an RA, and feel like God isn't doing his job in using me...I am becoming weak. I know Jesus wants to use me. But I dont see it. I dont feel the passion. I feel tired. I desire God and what he has for me. Is he bringing me to a place that he can finally use me? I feel more like a wilted flower than something that is being broken for him to use.

Little Jessa keeps looking for her passion. She has looked far and wide. Even in India...but now she thinks she might just need to look into the eyes of the one who loves her more than anything. Is her passion found in his eyes? Probably...but he isn't too worried about that. He just wants to hold her. He wants to rock her to sleep. He wants to sing to her with love and let her know that his love is what she needs.

Where do I belong??

2006-09-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

Lately God has been teaching me many things. That's not to say I have felt passionate about it. Actually, I have had a hard time feeling passionate since India. I know...India was a spiritual high, and now I am back to normal...but it is so much more than that. I really feel that I miss the culture and the people of India. I desire to go back. I desire to visit Africa. To live in Africa. Sometimes I just think, "God, is America really where I am suppose to be??" For this time, yes. For the rest of my life? I sure hope not. I love my country and am so blessed but I hate it at the same time. Today in chapel, a women named Princess Zulu spoke to us about her country of Africa, and being HIV positive, also told us more about AIDS. It breaks my heart. All the lives lost to AIDS in Africa, in India, in my country... we had a talk back tonight with Princess. And she taught us a song in her native language....I almost started crying and it was just a fun song. The thing is, when I was singing that song to Jesus...my passion was back, my heart was filled with joy. It was still the same Jesus I know and love....but I was able to praise him in a way that I want to praise him every day. I know that there are a million agruements to what I am writing. Blah, Blah, Blah. Each person against me might be right. But honestly, I don't care. I want to live in India and then move to Africa. I want to live in a hut and experience pain, joy, loss, and life across the world. Jesus, show me your will. Let me know I belong to you. Let me be patient with those that don't understand. And Jesus, be with each and every person that is dying of AIDS right now.

Jesus...you know me...

2006-07-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

Jesus, you know me. You know my heart. I love you Lord. I know you love me. Sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped up in my own life, in my own worries and struggles. I know I try to do things on my own Jesus. Draw me close to you!! Sometimes I feel so lost but so good at making it seem that I know where I am going. I have all the right things to say but when it comes to doing them, I freeze. Jesus...I love India. I know it was a spiritual high but it really feels like so much more than that too. It was hard but I loved the people and the children and the culture... I want to go back Lord. You have surprised me with this passion for a place I never really thought about a year ago. Take me back to India. Raise the money. Let me have faith that your will is going to be done! Sometimes I think people think I like India because it is easier to talk about God when people want to hear about it. Maybe it is true...but I feel that you have called me to do missions Lord. And sometimes...it seems I have to explain it to the people who should support me. Let me trust you Jesus. Draw me close to your heart. Let me breathe you each day Jesus. Let me fall head over heels in love with you! I sometimes am scared or think negatively about love...let me see its beauty with you Jesus. I thank you for so many blessings. So many things you give to me. Let me serve you each day. Let me speak truth and love. You know me Lord. You know my heart. I love you!

You Have Stolen My Heart

2006-07-03T18:49:00.000-07:00

This is the first time I have ever felt homesick for a country other than my own. Maybe it isn't just the country. I know it's not just India that my soul is aching for... I long to see the kids that I have fallen in love with. I think about games of cricket in the Indian evenings; the smell of people and food and flowers; I never want the henna on my hand to fade...sitting in church yesterday my soul ached for India. We sang songs of our freedom and liberty in Christ as I closed my eyes to see the faces of the ones who have stolen my heart. Tomorrow is my favorite holiday...yes, as strange as it is...I love the smell of hotdogs and hamburgers dancing through the air as the sky is lit up with fireworks. I love to swim all day and feel my burnt checks as I pretend I am seven again and play with sparklers.... but tomorrow.....I will love my country and my favorite holiday...but I will know that India has stolen my heart.

India

2006-07-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

WAITING FOR THE KING

*Almond eyes of children in colorless clothing
*are painted in my mind
*wrinkled hands of widows gently
*rest on mine as my rich
*crimson scarf, wipes each tear
*waiting for the king
*the sweet singing of orange flowers
*rings in the indian trees
*the taste of mangos and spicy air
*dances upon my sunburnt lips
*waiting for the king
*my heart becomes the sand
*that sits along the indian coast

Worship the King

2006-06-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

This weekend my friends and I saw Shawn McDonald in concert. In the front row, I was amazed to watch his face as he sang and his hands as he played. He was in another world. He was worshiping God. I began to think of how it is amazing to see all the many ways to worship God. After the show my friends Lauren, Rebekah, and I talked with Shawn's wife Kate for almost a half an hour. I began to think that she was worshiping God too. They both share their loves with so many. Shawn stayed and signed autographs and talked with fans for about an hour after the show. They were real people pouring out God's love onto others. As I get ready to leave for India in just a few days, I know why I am going... I am going to Worship the King. I am not sure on everything I will be doing, but I do know that each day for three weeks I will have the chance to pour God's love on a people who have never felt it before. We can all worship God each and every day of our lives. We can sing. We can dance. We can talk. We can hug. We can love. Shawn worships God with music. I know that God will use me to sing his song of love in India.

Invisible Children

2006-04-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

Lately life has been so busy. School is out in a week and finals are coming...It is easy to become absorbed with myself and my own problems and worrries. And then there are times when God sort of stops you. You sit. You watch. You hear. You see. I sat and watched a documentary that is sweeping the nation raising awareness for child solidiers in Uganda. I saw a boy named Jacob cry and about his brother who was murdered by the rebels. And now, I keep hearing his cries. I will join my school, my city, my nation, and my world in the global night commute. I will walk 3 miles like the small children in africa who spend every night hidden away from the rebels. I will sleep outside and make a difference. Children are dying each day and with 41,057 signed up right now, we will make a difference.

"The Real World...JBU"

2006-03-14T17:37:00.000-08:00

This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World!
Oh, the joys of college... for five days I was chosen to live in a house with six other people. We had challeneges...we had drama...we had laughs....we had cries... When I first decided to be on the show I did it for the fun. It was a little more tiring and dramatic then I thought... but more importantly I think I have found out that the way you look at and think about certain people might not be exactly right. Each person on the show was unique and different but in a funny way we were all alike. That may sound a little cliche...but it really was true. I had so much fun and even got my nose pierced on the show!!! Well, that's a little update on my life... oh yeah, and here is a little something good:

God Is Love:
" My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love- so you can't know him if you don't love. "

"My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other. No one has seen God, ever. But if we love one another, God dwells deeply within us, and his love becomes complete in us-perfect love!"

1 John 4:7-8, 11-12 (The Message)

The Sunshine Makes Me Giggle...

2006-02-28T18:07:00.000-08:00

Many might think I am crazy...but I prefer very happy. Today was such a happy day. I love when the sun pours through the window and I can feel the warmth from the inside of my room. I love when I can go outside and the warm wind sweeps across my lips and makes me smile. And then... I think I hear the flowers starting to grow. I can hear the trees laughing because spring rain is so close they can almost taste the sweetness of it. And for me? I skip from class to class waiting for the classes to be over so I can go swing at the park. I walk with a best buddy in the warm air and talk about life. It seems that even heavy matters aren't so bad when the sun is shining. It is like God decides to show His love in a different way in the spring and summer. Winter is full of flurry flakes and fall has the pretty leaves. But there is no joy like the one that comes from the nearness of spring and knowing that summer follows. After walking to the park, I have to get on a swing. Summer is Here!!! Well, maybe it is still February...but when I am swinging in the park and I am barefoot no one can tell me any different. Today has been one of the best. Maybe I just choose to find the good more easily when spring is on its way...but either way, I love the sunshine. I love the warm air. The park. Hearing kids play outside. The smell of my hands after I get done holding the medal chains when I swing. I love ice cream that melts on your hand... beautiful little girls with kool-aid mustaches, little boys with skateboards and footballs and grass stains on their knees. Spring and Summer are on their way to the tiny town of Siloam Springs, Arkansas. Like I said, some may think I am crazy...but I prefer very happy :)

Hebrews 12:1-3

2006-02-16T18:51:00.000-08:00

The pathway is broken And the signs are unclear And I dont know the reason why you brought me here But just because You love me the way that You do I will go through the valley If You want me to
CHORUS: Now I'm not who I was When I took my first step And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet So if all of these trials bring me closer to You I will go through the fire If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen When you lead me through a world that's not my own But You never said it would be easy You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through And I will go through the valley If You want me to

Sometimes you just have those days...or those weeks...or those months. Those times when you feel as though all the snow has fallen on top of you at once. Life might not be the worst it has ever been...but couldn't it be a little better? I love the Lord, and I know He loves me but sometimes...I feel as though I can see where I want to be and what I want but I have no idea how to get there. I guess that is where God comes in. There are just those moments when you are running the race and all the sudden you stop. You can't breathe. All you can hear and feel is the pain and the sound of yourself trying to catch a breath. You rest your hands on your knees and think "maybe I should turn around...or quit." And then... a breeze comes you don't feel so bad...and then before you know it you are jogging again...and then you are running like you have never stopped.

My Lips Shall Praise You

2006-01-13T19:06:00.000-08:00

Psalm 63:1-3
O God, You are my God;
Early I will seek you;
My soul thirsts for you;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
So I have looked for You in the Sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.
Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You.

So far the first week of a new semester has not exactly been the week I had hoped. I had thought that this new semester was going to be just as good as the last one, hopefully better. Now, not really knowing how it happened, I have seemed to have went from having two wonderful best friends to finding myself with just God. It's complicated...The details aren't important. All I know is that I have been praying for God to let me have an even more intimate relationship with Him. I longed to lean fully on Him. And now that He has given me that chance...I'm not so sure. I know God blesses us in different ways through the seasons of our lives. Last semester God blessed me with two of the best friends I have ever had. And now...God is blessing me with Himself. He is granting my wish to know him completely and intimately. HE is my best friend. I know now that it seems a painful process...But I have seen His work before...He never lets me down :)

My Redeemer Lives

2005-10-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

This semester in school I am in a class where students ask questions that can not always be answered. Questions like, "Why was I placed in America instead of a country where thousands die each day from hunger?" Or "Why does Jesus promise to take care of His followers... He says He cares more for us than the lilies which He clothes so beautifully...but there are hungry children who believe in Him?" Why God? Why do people suffer? Why do you seem to care for me so much more??? Why is the question my soul asks... I don't understand Jesus... I know you love your children more than I could ever know....And then...when my soul can not stand the thought of bearing the pain of the world any longer.... I hear the words within my soul, "MY REDEEMER LIVES!" And then I know... I remember the love of my life that has died for me. The one and only beautiful lover of my soul. The one who died for the mistakes and sins of this fallen world. I remember that there is hope. Hope in the one that nature shows is real...hope in the one that makes smiles and laughter... hope in the one that gives us freedom and comfort and love and hope for all time!! My Redeemer Lives!! There is no hope for a fallen world.... only the hope of Jesus Christ. The one who was born to die. The one who lives to work in me and through me! My Redeemer Lives! I know He is there. I know Jesus is crying with me. That the first bite of the apple was the window to all the suffering of the world. The suffering from the sin that my Jesus has died for. So when my heart cries for the suffering I can have God built compassion and most importantly a hope.

The Journey to His heart

2005-10-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight I heard a girl speak about the journey of finding Jesus. The journey of knowing her Lord better each day. I couldn't help but notice the light her eyes. The light of someone who was in love with her prince. She wasn't afraid to admit it. The journey of knowing Jesus better is the journey to His heart. The road of learning to let your Savior walk for you and to understand Him better in doing so.
When I think of my Savior's heart I cannot help but have tears in my eyes. I feel that I love Him so much, but I haven't even begun to know Him like He longs for me to. It hurts to think of how beautiful He is. When I look back on my life I know He is beautiful. I know He is there. I know He knows the deepest part of my soul.

But sometimes... there are times when I call out to Jesus and I can't hear Him as well as I want to. I know He is there. He is on my mind, and I can't help but think of Him when I see a little girl sitting on her daddy's lap. At times I miss Him when I know He is still there. And then I hear...

Keep Seeking, Keep Knocking, Keep asking...

So I do. I will keep seeking, knocking, and asking until the moment I see His face in heaven. I will seek His characteristics, I will knock to open His power, I will ask for His strength daily. I know that just because I can't hear the beating of His heart that it doesn't I am not on my way to knowing Him more. He is carrying me to that place. I love my Lord and nothing can take me from Him.

My Dear Friend...

2005-09-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

Every morning when I wake up He wants to guide me. He longs for me to sit and just tell Him hello before I start the day. He is jealous for me and my time. He only wants to see my face, to hear my laugh, to carry me through the hard times.

He loves each part of me and has made me His lily white princess. He has more love for me in one drop of His blood than my whole life could give. He never remembers my faults. His beauty words cannot describe. Discovering the depths of His heart and soul would take 1,000 life times.

He wants to walk with me, to share my pains, to wipe away my tears.... He loves to have fun. He wants to be my best friend.... He just wants to listen. To comfort me, to show me that He is in love with me.

Why don't I want to spend time with Him??

The Best Lil Roomie :)

2005-09-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

Each day God is teaching me more and more. One thing that has been something new in my life is rooming with my wonderful, hilarious, and beautiful cousin Rebekah. She teaches me so much. Rebekah is normally the last to complain and the first to make me laugh. She also makes the moment "a little less serious." We have always been cousins, but the more I live with her the more she becomes a life long friend. She always listens to me, even if she does make fun of me :) This last month God is showing me that it isn't always about Jeran. I am praying for God to show me how to love with out an end... to have patience, to have compassion. To know what to do when she gets sick :) I love learning more about my cousin each day. I love getting know the person on the inside. Even through the tears, the late night hugs and talks, the moments when I think I will never stop laughing, even when she on Steroids for her Bronchitis and talks the night away....... I love my cousin and thank God for blessing me with such a roommate. Even if she worries when I stay out late.... I love my lil cousin and thank God. I pray He will teach me how to love others even more, and I hope I can someday be a blessing to her also. :)

God Given Compassion

2005-09-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

"But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious, Longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth"

~Psalm 86:15

It is funny how God never fails to answer a prayer. I've told myself to be careful what I pray for.

The last few weeks I have had the desire to serve. To allow God to show me how and when. To notice the girl who needs talking to or to take better care of a sick roommate :) I never thought my simple prayer would lead me to the place I was tonight. A place that has left me numb emotionally. Never did I think I would be looking into the eyes of a woman who has lost everything she owns. Into the eyes of a little girl who tells me she almost drowned as she colors a picture for me.... that I would stand with a pen and paper in my hand as hundreds of hurricane survivors walked into the building to register at the camp they would be living at. Why does God put me in such a safe place when others hurt so badly? How do people loose their entire family and go on with life? How do people judge the sufferings of others? How do I? How do people not fall on there face before our precious Jesus who has spared us? Why don't people run to Him when they can't make it on their own? Why do I not listen to my own words?

My prayer is still the same. Except this time, I would like to ask for "God given compassion." Anyone can be compassionate, but what about compassion that never dies? What about the fruit of the spirit that knows no end? I pray that the love of Jesus will shine through my eyes and warm each hug I give. That Jesus can be the one who wipes away the tears. Dear God help these people...help the hurting world. Why does it take this to make me understand that people are hurting and dieing all around the world--- without YOU? Let me serve the Lord and have such a burden upon my heart that I will never say "there is no one to serve, no where to go, nothing for me to do....." Let me be serving one moment and in heaven the next.

My Bridegroom Always Holds My Hand

2005-09-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

He always holds my hand. He never leaves. Just a whisper away is the beautiful lover of my soul. I owe Him an apology. These last two weeks I have gotten so busy and forgotten He was still holding my hand. I couldn't hear Him whispering in my ear due to my own shouting. He still stayed near... Loving me with a love I will never understand.

My dear bridegroom,

You know my heart and know everything that goes on each day. I love you so much, let me show you that. You know the scary things that are going on. College is so new and different. Let me hide in your love. Show me the way. Guard my heart from the world and the things that aren't pleasing to you. Show me the path you want me to walk. Keep holding me; don't let me go on my own. I thank you for your love and who you are. I want my relationship to be more intimate with you each moment of the day, take away the things in my life that prevent me from a love story with you. I am your lily white princess; help me to be that for you Jesus. I love you in every way I know how.... teach me how to love you more. Thank you, my beautiful prince :)

Staying clear from the waves

2005-08-19T05:55:00.000-07:00

Profiting from Trials

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
~James 1:2-8~

This my second day at school and God is already working. God provides His knowledge whenever we ask for it. He knows every fear, trial, and temptation. He is such a good God to listen to my prayers at night and have answers for me in His word the next morning.

Going into college I told myself and God that I would be set-apart for Him. I had gotten used to being different and set-apart in high school and this summer had made decisions that made me lose some of my friends. Now in college, there are all sorts of temptations. Not anything that is really bad, just decisions I must make all over again on being set-apart or "another student."

This morning God has refreshed me and has given me His strength. All these trials are a blessing. They are proving what is in me. I have already won over these trials- because God is in me. It is only if I chose to use Him as my strength or myself. If I ask in faith He will provide.

If I am like the waves that are tossed by the wind God cannot use me like He wants. My faith has to be great--greater each day--great in asking Him to provide that faith in Him.

If I am like the waves why would God teach me wonderful lessons and bless me...if it will only be swept away and never seen again??

Coffee with Jesus

2005-08-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just have to write. Even when there is nothing important to say… actually I probably write more when there is nothing to say. Why? Because when I simply state that there is “nothing to say” it usually means “what I have to say is too hard to explain or too painful to share.” I guess that means I choose to ramble until something comes out. Several people have told me that I have a writer’s mind; maybe not the spelling or vocabulary of one, but the mind of one :)

Normally, I try to sound like I know what I am talking about when I write something that others will read. Tonight I know I don’t know what I am talking about. That’s while I’ll write until I do. Most of the time I find that when I write to God I begin to understand the fastest :)

Okay God, here is what’s going on…
So I am leaving for college in three days. I am not really scared for the normal things. More for the things that I’m afraid I’ll mess up. But you know I know better than that Lord. I know you’re in control; all I have to do is yield to you. You are my good shepherd. You will never leave me or forsake me.

Sometimes God I get scared and don’t understand. I don’t understand why you put me in certain situations and allow my family to fall apart. I know Lord, which you will work all things together for good for those called according to your purpose. I have seen you work Jesus. I guess I am just like your disciples… I walk and talk with you each day but still forget your power.

Jesus, you know I love you. I pray for you to humble me and teach me. And then you do. And then I don’t know what to do. I should praise you… that’s what I should do. I thank you for your patience Jesus. Jesus, I wish I could understand. I know I must simply go to you. I know that you being in me is greater than you just being here without your guiding, but I want both. I want to sit and drink coffee with you. I want to hold your hand as I tell you about my bad day. I want to feel you kiss my check and wipe away the tear. I want to hear the words, “I love you sweet child” roll from your lips. Give me that Jesus, I know you can.

Jesus, have I told you that you are beautiful lately? I think it quite often, but I don’t know if I have actually told you that in awhile. Today at church, when I sang about loving you and it being “well with my soul,” I meant it. Just sitting and chatting with you makes life better Jesus. You know the dream you gave me last night? The one where all the children from around the world were surrounding me? I would like that dream to come true. Jesus, if you just give me the power to yield to you, I can let you do anything. You can take me anywhere. Teach me everything. Don’t laugh… I know you are probably thinking that “I wouldn’t know what to do.” You teach me small things and I am puzzled for days, how could I be a missionary across the world and die for you? Well, that is where you would come in :)

Thanks for talking with me Jesus. You listen so well. Teach me that too. Let me listen to your voice. Tonight we can talk more… lets dream about heaven and what we will do. Tomorrow we can wake up and drink coffee, and then go on a walk… and then….

Letting God's love flow to every part of my life

2005-08-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

I think it is harder to write when you are having a bad week compared to the weeks when you are really learning from God. Not that God changes, I do. I guess with my page I wanted it to all be for the glory of God, so when I feel like I have let God down or haven't had the best week that I simply shouldn't write. And then I realized that would be defeating the whole purpose of showing who God is and what He does in my life. Sometimes I don't understand what God is doing, but I know He is there and that He loves me more than I will ever know.
I know that God is always teaching and wants to let His love flow into every part of my life. It is easy to focus on myself and continually ask "What is God doing for me?" When really I should be asking, "What can I do for others to show the love God has for me and the sacrifice He has made?" In John, Jesus tells us to abide in His love. To live every day in His wonderful and beautiful love and let that spill over to everyone we meet through the day. It is too easy for me to focus on God and only what He is giving me, when I'm still living with out His love in certain areas of my life. God is showing me that I can never have too much patience, compassion, and love for others (even my family :). I should never be settled with how I live my life, because if I'M living my life then there is something wrong right there. I know that seeking God and yielding to Him each day should be my goal. I pray that God will humble me daily and show me what His love is all about. There are so many lessons to learn and things in my life that should be traded for Jesus. I pray that God will bring me to the point where every decision is made with Him guiding me and that I can be similar to Amy Carmichael in "only focusing on that which is eternal."

What is God's Purpose for my Life??

2005-08-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

When praying for a specific and clear statement about God's purpose for my life,
He gave me this...

I am simply God's daisy.
I am here to worship Him.
His rainy mercy gives me life,
and His shining forgiveness
lets me grow.

I am simply God's daisy.
I am here to worship Him.
My growth and beauty
belongs to Him. He has made
my petals white as snow.

I am simply God's daisy.
I am here to worship Him.
My scent reflects His love.
My laughter tells of grace
and lets His beauty show.

I am simply God's daisy.
I am here to worship Him.
God gave this daisy power
to always leave a seed. For when
they see His love, they will always know.

A Loud Mouth, Big Heart, and One Big Adventure

2005-07-31T21:44:00.000-07:00

I had heard and seen him before, this boy that had gone to my school. His name seemed to come up quite often when the detention list was read out loud. His name was Peter and he wasn’t exactly shy. There never seemed to be a moment growing up that Peter didn’t have something to say. Always questioning the teachers about the answers to math problems and spelling tests. Not that he was a genius or even slightly intelligent, he just always had something to say. In third grade, when we started being tested on multiplication, the whole class missed recess due to the hour long discussion between Peter and the teacher on why we bothered with multiplication in the first place.
Peter was the talker, the emotional child, the question asker, the one who had an opinion about everything. He had red hair and freckles that were equally loud and unforgettable sea green eyes. Most days Peter would wear comfy jeans and his loudest Hawaiian shirt. Living in Missouri, Peter’s shirts didn’t exactly fit in… But some how, Peter was liked. By most people actually. Maybe it was ability to wink and smile at every girl no matter what grade in elementary, and how on the first day of school he would bring the teacher an apple. Of course, I was lucky enough to have Peter in my class from kindergarten to the sixth grade. Peter was never really my friend; I figured that loud boys that winked could be dangerous. I actually found him to be quite an annoyance.
But then one day, Peter was gone. It was the start of middle school and his bright red hair and loud Hawaiian shirt was no where to be found. As I sat in math class that day I sort of missed the little guy. The room was so quiet, and no one had anything to say about the algebra we were learning. Most of my classmates realized that he was gone, but no one had heard of where he had moved to.
Well, the years went by and I had forgotten all about this boy. All until yesterday, when I saw Peter six years later. He was standing in front of me while I was waiting in line to get my morning star bucks before class. Dressed in nice jeans and a dress shirt, I didn’t even recognize him. His red hair and freckles had seemed to calm down a bit. Peter seemed totally different. Until he ordered his coffee. He spent about 5 minutes telling the lady how he wanted his coffee made and then spent another couple asking her about everything from how she liked her job, to if she any pets at home.
I laughed to myself and stepped forward to order my usual. That’s when it happened.
“Gracie, is that you?”
What? He knew my name and remembered me? “Um, yeah, actually I go by Grace now.”
“Yeah, Yeah, Grace, I’m sorry.” He kept smiling at me like we had always been the best of friends.
“Well, Gracie, you want to sit and drink some coffee with me? Looks like there is a table for two right by the window.”
I knew I should get to class, but there was something about Peter that I wanted to know a little more about. “Why not, I haven’t seen you in years.”
I spent three hours talking to Peter that day. He smiled and listened to me for a good part of our conversation. There was something different in his eyes, and I didn’t think it was the coffee. I began to ask him questions and that’s when I figured it out. Peter had God. I had seen him in Sunday school growing up, but we had both only been children then.
That’s when Peter started to tell me his story. He had trials, temptations, and times when it seemed there was no way out. He told me of his mess ups and the redemption that Christ had given him. He felt that Christ had called him to preach to the world, and that he would was going to tell everyone he could about Jesus until he was killed for it. At times during the conversation I had to remember to breathe. This was amazing, Peter, of all people was being used for Christ and in the middle of the most incredible adventure I had ever heard of.
I gave Peter a hug after we talked in the coffee shop that day, and I don’t know if I will ever see him again until heaven. But I do know one thing, Peter inspired me. Peter let me know what it meant to follow Jesus. Peter was loud and emotional and made mistakes, but Peter chose to yield to God. Peter chose to live a different life, a set-apart life. And I do too. `

Arise, My Soul, Arise

2005-07-31T19:25:00.000-07:00

Arise, my soul, arise; shake off thy guilty fears;
The bleeding sacrifice in my behalf appears:
Before the throne my surety stands,
Before the throne my surety stands,
My name is written on His hands.

He ever lives above, for me to intercede;
His all-redeeming love, His precious blood, to plead:
His blood atoned for all our race,
His blood atoned for all our race,
sprinkles now the throne of grace.

Five bleeding wounds He bears, received on Calvary;
They pour effectual prayers; they strongly plead for me:
“Forgive him, O forgive,” they cry,
“Forgive him, O forgive,” they cry,
“Nor let the ransomed sinner die!”

The Father hears Him pray, His dear anointed One;
He cannot turn away the presence of His Son:
His spirit answers to the blood,
His spirit answers to the blood,
And tells me I am born of God.

My God is reconciled; His pardoning voice I hear;
He owns me for His child; I can no longer fear:
With confidence I now draw nigh,
With confidence I now draw nigh,
And, “Father, Abba, Father,” cry.

-Charles Wesley

2005-07-30T18:18:00.000-07:00

"Slow Dancing to Heaven"

Mystic stars reflected in His eyes
as He smiled when I saw Him,
for the first time-
I held His hand in mine,
and smelt the rainy drops of love.

Rain continued with its soothing rythm,
as we danced beneath the rosy pink moon.
I breathed Him in like mountain air,
and felt the sun with His check against mine
while waltzing between the stars.

In the summer sky
with flower petals chasing us,
I hear Him say my name
and then call me His bride.

I've got the JOY JOY JOY JOY down in my heart...

2005-07-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

I have finally realized that this summer has been the worst and best one of my life. Looking back at the last couple of months I can honestly say that God has left me breathless (in more ways than one).
The last few weeks of my senior year of high school I wrote to God requesting that He would reveal Himself more to me than ever before.
Only a few weeks later, everything that could change did. It seemed that something went terribly wrong and once again my world was being turned upside down.
Then one day, I was reading my journal and realized something strange. God had given me exactly what I asked for. Maybe trials and hardship wasn't my idea of "getting to know God," but it was His. Just last night my mind went to Deuteronomy 4:29, "From there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul."
I believe with all my heart that when things were hard and I reached for God with my tiny hand that He picked me up and sat me on His lap. As things became worse, He pulled me even closer.
And now I am begining to understand what the joy of the Lord is all about.

...And having Jesus--and getting to lie in His arms... is worth any amount of pain this word can give...

I'm trying to figure this out...

2005-07-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

So, this is my first post. I saw Annie's blog and wanted one too :) I don't think mine can live up to her's though...